


Of Light and Fire

by idrilhadhafang



Series: Of Light and Fire [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angry Kylo Ren, Angry Poe Dameron, Bad Parent Leia Organa, Evil Snoke, Flashbacks, Fusion of Star Wars Legends and Disney Canon, Heavy Angst, Hux is Not Nice, Implied Kaydel Ko Connix/Rose Tico, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren is a Mess, Let’s Retcon TLJ, M/M, Mind Rape, Not Reylo, Poe Dameron Is A Mess, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Protective Kylo Ren, Protective Poe Dameron, Referenced Mind Rape, Space Opera, Subplot Kaydel Ko Connix/Rose Tico, Threats of torture, Torture, at times - Freeform, manipulative Snoke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-10-08 13:55:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 15,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17387594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: The Light isn’t done with Kylo Ren yet. Neither is Poe Dameron.





	1. Calling

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Inspired by the fact I am being way too slow to get to Episode IX Speculation, so I figured I’d create a separate verse for that. I’m also not gonna lie, I am terrified of Darkpilot not being canon because I’m afraid it’ll invalidate everything I wrote, so...here is this fic. 
> 
> I also know that the Episode 9 leaks are definitely different than this fic, but I couldn’t just leave everyone hanging after TLJ’s ending. The time skip might come in later.

 He didn’t know how long he remained there, kneeling in the empty base on Crait, looking at  his empty hand where the dice had been. It was Hux who walked inside. “We still have work to do,” Hux said, with a certain disdain that was just typical for him. Around Kylo, Kylo doubted Hux ever expressed actual hatred. Mostly disdain. 

He wished Hux would express some actual emotions outside of sliminess. Even getting to his feet, Kylo knew he was doing it for himself, to prove to Hux that even after the girl — that nothing scavenger girl — had betrayed him, after Luke had humiliated him one last time, he could still stand. 

Yes. He could do that. 

***

The _Supremacy_ had been destroyed, so they were taking Kylo’s shuttle back to the _Finalizer_. The others on the shuttle avoided him, almost as if expecting him to have another one of his “tantrums”, as Kylo had heard Hux sneeringly refer to them once when he thought that he wasn’t listening in. But Kylo, in the end, was too tired, too drained to really do anything like that. He had felt Luke’s death in the Force, but he hadn’t gotten the satisfaction of striking his uncle down himself. He had lost the girl — someone he hadn’t necessarily loved, but someone he had felt a bizarre kinship with at points. He had effectively lost everything. It should have been a victorious moment when he became Supreme Leader. 

It wasn’t. 

Instead, it just left him empty. 

It wasn’t like it mattered. Nothing really mattered. And yet everything mattered, all in one. The girl, his uncle, and Poe —

Poe. It was something that came back to him with a renewed sense of pain. He had lost Poe too. 

He could still remember what he had said to Snoke, after he had tortured Poe. After he had taken his mind and almost shattered it: “ _I wanted him_ safe.”

 _”Of course you did.”_ Snoke _,_ rumbling in his almost fatherly way _. “It’s one of many sacrifices we have to make for the Dark Side. Besides, he was only Resistance vermin and a war criminal. It shouldn’t hurt so much.”_

And yet it did. Even thinking back to Poe, it hurt with all his heart. He could channel the anger, though. The pain. Every bit of agony that he could squeeze out of a broken heart. 

Even if he wasn’t strong enough. He could become strong enough. Get angry enough. Be, finally, good enough. 

He crossed his legs, settled into a meditative position and drew on his anger. It was a powerful thing indeed, like the whipping winds of a hurricane. 

And yet through the winds, he thought he could see someone. Poe’s face. Haunting him. It seemed that even now, the Light wouldn’t leave him be. Even though he had done so much wrong. He was an irredeemable, tainted, ugly stain on his family’s legacy. 

So why was the Light still calling him? 


	2. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe doesn’t take the revelation that Ben is Kylo well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Haven’t really read the latest installment of the Poe Dameron comics, so I’m kind of making up my own stuff. And I know I’m harsh on Leia in this chapter, but TLJ Leia made me so angry for how she treated Poe and Kylo.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Poe never thought that he would actually be lashing out at General Organa, but it was like the straw that broke the bantha’s back. And that was putting it mildly. The straw that finally made the bantha go “Kriff it” and collapse. Being slapped and humiliated on the bridge — well, that was one thing. Being tased, that was another. Being lied to about Ben...that was something else. 

“About what, Poe?” Leia said. 

“About Ben. You...you...” Poe ran a hand through his hair. Where did he start? “You said that Kylo Ren killed him. That he fell in battle. But he was alive all along, and you didn’t go and save him...”

”You think that I didn’t try?” Leia said. 

“That’s not the point. You just...you knew all along what I was going up against — you knew he was still alive. And you lied to me.”

”Ben Solo is not alive,” Leia said. 

“Bantha dung,” Poe snapped. “I saw him. The binoculars on Crait...”

”Kylo Ren lives,” Leia said. “The boy who was Ben Solo was destroyed that night on Yavin. He did it to himself. He was nothing but a weakling.”

”He was a boy,” Poe said. “I sure as hell didn’t know the General could hate her own son this much. I thought mothers didn’t hate their children.”

”He wasn’t strong enough to resist Snoke.”

”You didn’t...” Poe trailed off. 

Leia continued. “He let Snoke get into his head. He let Snoke poison his thoughts. He wasn’t strong enough to fight that...creature.”

"You don’t know anything about him,” Poe said. “The damn nightmares. He was fighting against them every night.”

Leia seemed to falter for a moment, before saying, “And he still went to Snoke. Burned down the Academy and fled.”

”So you knew what he did. And you lied to me.” Poe took a deep breath. “He did tell me, you know, about how he needed to finish his training. How he wanted to keep me safe. How wherever he was going, I would only be...in danger. He wanted me safe. It didn’t work, though.”

Leia paused. She seemed to be trying to process this. Then, “How many people did he kill, Poe? Have you forgotten? How he strapped you to a chair and tortured you? Invaded your mind? And you still defend him. What did he do to your mind?”

”Besides invade it? Nothing,” Poe said. “I know my own mind, General. Even if you think I don’t.”

“You were blinded to him, then.” Leia paused. “You didn’t see...how he would knock over lamps during some of his tantrums...”

”Every kid has their moments. It’s not like he was torturing animals.”

”And how Snoke was influencing him, inside his head, and he just let him...”

The red was already rising inside Poe. “Inside his head?"

Leia nodded. “Snoke was always there. And Ben just let him.”

Poe could have sworn his insides had turned to ice. “No one lets themselves be mentally raped every night,” he said, and already, he felt a different sort of anger. He had been angry at Holdo before, but the sheer gall of Leia to blame her son for being mentally violated as a child...

Kylo Ren was evil. Ben Solo was innocent, completely innocent. 

“I looked up to you, General,” Poe said, and his cold anger was already growing and growing. “And all this time, it was your fault.” A beat. “If you had actually told me, told Han, about Snoke mentally raping an innocent boy, we could have helped him. But you kept it secret. You sent him away to Luke’s Academy. And Snoke just got worse from here, didn’t he?” A beat. “And it didn’t end there. Were you hoping that I’d kill him on Jakku, in that village? Is that why you sent me?”

A brief, pained look crossed Leia’s face. Poe didn’t know if it was for him, Ben, or both. Poe continued. “Maybe he was nothing to you. But he was something. At least to me.”

He left, breathing hard. He shouldn’t have said half those things to the General. And yet...he had to. He crossed back to his quarters, past the main hold that still housed Rose Tico’s unconscious form, and sat on the bed so forcefully that it startled BB-8.

It was Snoke. All of it, it was Snoke. And Poe couldn’t help Ben, because Ben’s own mother had betrayed him. Just let it happen. She could have done so much, including told Poe, and Poe would have done anything. Poe would have held him while he cried, Poe would have kept him company during the rough nights...

BB-8 kept him company for the rest of the night, even as Poe tried, vainly, to get to sleep, images of Ben’s likely mental rapes playing before his eyes. 


	3. Strong and Weak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We check in on the Resistance, as well as the First Order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Poe was relieved when he woke up, if he was to be perfectly honest. 

In between confused nightmares of his torture and what he imagined Ben went through, he was relieved to wake up and find himself in his own bed, actually. His own bed, as opposed to the interrogation chamber, or Ben’s bed in the hut he used to be in, or —

It didn’t matter. Breathe. Just breathe. Look at the color of the wall. Look at the objects around you. Things like that. Poe could remember some tips from the pamphlet that detailed surviving Kylo’s mental attacks. Things like grounding exercises. Exercises that he actually remembered from when he was still in the New Republic Navy. 

Kriff, he couldn’t believe he was still remembering that. Ben had been such a different person then. What had Snoke done to him, or what had he done to himself?

Poe got up in that moment and got dressed before trudging to the main hold, avoiding the General. She looked more subdued. Poe supposed that he shouldn’t have lost his temper, and yet even what she had said, blaming her son for his own mental rapes...

No one deserved that. No one. Even picking at his food — some sort of Falcon mystery meat or something — Poe knew that. There were things that you couldn’t blame someone else for, and what had been done to them was one of them.

”Poe?” Kaydel’s voice. “You okay?”

”Just tired, Kay.” Poe turned to look at her. “You?”

She snorted. “Good to know we’re in good company.”

Poe nodded. He couldn’t blame her. The fact that they had even come this far was a miracle, actually. “Wanna talk about it?”

”Rose. I’m just...worried about her. I mean, the med droids said she’ll be okay...” Kaydel sighed. “I can’t believe she was so stupid! She could have gotten herself killed.”

Finn cut in. “She was trying to save me.”

Kaydel sighed. “I know. Good motive, still stupid. Honestly...”

She rubbed her temples. Poe couldn’t help but wonder if there was something else underneath her exasperation with Rose, but he knew better than to ask.

They still had a long trip to go before they reached Bespin, which was apparently where they were going. After breakfast, others did their thing. Finn and Kaydel watched over Rose, Rey went off to do some studying of some sort, and Poe went off to his room after wishing Kaydel and Finn luck.

He reached his room, and it was there that BB-8 beeped in concern.

”Just had a nightmare.”

Another concerned beep.

”I’m fine. Just glad to be awake, really.” Poe swallowed. “Not like we have much to do, buddy; maybe I could try upgrading you a bit?”

An approving beep.

”Right. Here we go...”

***

They came out of hyperspace near the Finalizer. Kylo could feel it through how the shuttle shuddered gently, stirring him from his meditation. He was getting better at this, this getting angry business. Every humiliation that Snoke had put him through, every bit of his uncle’s casual cruelty, having to leave Poe, Luke choosing Rey as his Chosen One while throwing his nephew to the wayside like garbage, his mother’s constant rejections, Snoke’s tests, General Organa grooming Poe as her successor, and that was just a very select list.

The galaxy hated him, so he hated it in return.

It made it easier to shut out the image of Poe’s face. Push it away. Just concentrating on his anger, and what he had lost. His uncle had once called him spoiled for needing.

Well, let him be spoiled then. Let him tear his family apart and destroy it. Maybe it deserved to be destroyed. Let the past die. Kill it if you had to. After all the times that they hated him, why not?

Except Han Solo hadn’t. He —

No. He didn’t count. Only the bad memories, only the bad. He couldn’t afford to remember the good. 

They parked in the Finalizer’s hangar, and Kylo Ren exited with Hux and the others. This would have to serve as their temporary Star Destroyer while they built a new Star Destroyer for the Supreme Leader. Nothing like Snoke’s, just enough to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. They would see the Kylo Ren he wanted them to see. 

“We’ll need to replace the Supremacy,” Kylo said. “After what happened to it...we need a new ship. This ship will belong to you, General, from now on.”

Hux looked at him, quietly hating him but saying nothing. Kylo would need to be on guard for Hux — whether that meant looking out for poison in his food and drink, anything like that. It wasn’t exactly the life he dreamt of, but Hux...he’d find a way to get rid of the slimy creature soon enough. Whether it was through demotion or more extreme means. 

“Yes...Supreme Leader.” 

“We lost the Resistance at Crait, but that doesn’t mean that they can hide forever. We will hunt them down when we can. The only way to put a stop to their evil is to kill them. And if they call us monsters, they are the bigger ones. No question about it.”

Hux nodded. Kylo could already see the building hate in his eyes. That, in the end, was the only thing Hux was good for — but even then, Kylo knew what he was capable of. The Hosnian system, for example. Hux would have to be reined in for as long as possible. Even a rabid cur needed a leash. 

“And one more thing,” Kylo said. “If you so much as design another monstrosity like Starkiller, you will regret it.”

Hux glared at him. “Of course you’d say that. I always knew you were w - ”

Kylo clenched his fist. Hux’s hands went to his throat, struggling, trying to wrench away the invisible grip. 

“Would a weak man be able to do this?” Kylo said. 

“No.”

”Use my title.”

Hux managed to choke out, “No...Supreme Leader.”

Kylo let him go. “Good. You’re finally understanding. I could end your life without so much as igniting my lightsaber. Don’t test me.”

Hux glared at him, massaging his throat, before limping out. 

Kylo took a deep breath. “Would anyone else like to revive Starkiller?”

No one spoke. They all seemed terrified of what they’d seen. They were right to fear him. 

“That’s exactly what I was thinking.” Kylo walked away to his private quarters. He still had work to do. Constructing his latest helmet (if they wanted the monster and not the man, they had it), contacting his other Knights, things of that nature. And from there, they could give the Resistance what they deserved. 

Except...would he have to kill Poe? Torturing him had been bad enough. Ending his life...then again, he had no place in this story. He was there out of a misguided belief he was doing the right thing. He was an innocent in all this, as was Rey. 

Whatever happened, he’d find a way to spare them without being weak again. He knew he would. 


	4. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn, Kaydel and Poe bond, and Kylo builds his new helmet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“Rose and I...talked earlier.” 

Kaydel actually sounded relieved when she said it. More relieved than just being for a friend. 

“That’s great news!” Finn said. “What did you two talk about?”

”She’s okay. Though she...blamed herself for the whole incident with the codebreaker. Everything you told the General...well, it really wasn’t your fault. Holdo could have told us everything. There was no reason for her not to. At least Rose and Poe and you were doing something, Finn. You did what you could.”

”Yeah,” Finn said. 

Poe sighed. “It’s still bad,” he said. “I mean, the last time I talked to her, I was starting a mutiny. I still wish I hadn’t done it.”

”I followed you for a reason, Poe,” Kaydel said. “She did make a hell of a strike against the First Order, but it doesn’t make her magically right about everything.”

Poe supposed. Kaydel always had too much faith in him, even when he didn’t deserve it. Then again, everyone did. 

“I was wrong too, Kay.”

”You had good intentions.”

”Yeah, but you know what they say about that and the road to the Corellian hells.”

”We’d follow you to the Corellian hells and back, and that’s a promise.”

Silence. 

“Well, we seem to be stuck on this ship,” Poe said. “Anyone up for sabaac?”

Kaydel and Finn agreed, though Finn admitted that he’d never played sabaac before. 

“It’s really fun,” Poe said. He could almost remember playing it with Ben before —

He stomped on that thought vigorously. He wasn’t about to let thoughts of Ben ruin just having fun with his friends. Even if Ben was a friend once, and someone who could have been more. Once he caught up to Kylo Ren, Kylo would have a lot of questions to answer as well.

And as they played sabaac, it seemed that the thoughts of hyperspace travel and Ben left Poe’s mind, just for the moment. 

***

Building his new helmet was something that Kylo had done before, when he was training under Snoke. He had to admit that he did miss wearing a mask. Without it, he was good as defenseless. He’d first started wearing a mask not only to emulate his grandfather, but also because no one would take a teenager seriously. No one would dare. So he constructed, and worked, deep in his quarters, putting different elements into it. His last mask that he destroyed reminded him of a bird. Now...they called him a beast so a beast he became. It was appropriate, at least. Even the nose reminded him of a beast’s snout. And  putting it on, maybe that was what Kylo was always meant to be. Maybe he was meant to be the monster that others would dream of killing. 

The king of beasts. 

He drew his hood over the top of his helmet. Inside the helmet, his view was limited, almost squeezed in. It was like a prison, in a way. A cage for the beast, but a cage that he could use to his advantage this time. 

Yes. He could do this. There were plenty more things he needed to practice and hone, but he could do this. And he would become the beast he had been destined to be. 


	5. Dreams in the Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang lands on Bespin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

They reached Bespin. Thank the stars. Even as General Organa announced it, Poe couldn’t help but sigh in relief, if only because he swore he was going to go stir-crazy being on that ship any longer. Across from him, Rey and Finn were sitting together, and across from the both of them, Rose and Kaydel were sitting together, though Poe could have sworn that Rose occasionally cast some sad glances towards Finn and Rey. 

Even as they swooped in, Poe couldn’t help but take a look outside the cockpit window, where others had gathered. The clouds were a soft, rosy hue, and Poe couldn’t help but be taken in by their beauty. General Organa was already negotiating with the landing pad official, but Poe, meanwhile, couldn’t help but be captivated by how the whole planet almost looked like a sunset at the moment.

They were given permission to land, and General Organa and Chewie steered the ship towards the landing pad. They landed, and the remains of the Resistance bustled out.

Lando was older, mustached and gray-haired even as he emerged with another man who looked lean and harried (though still incredibly striking), but he smiled broadly even as he greeted General Organa. “Leia!” he said. “Long time no see.”

”I know,” General Organa said. “It’s good to see you again, Lando.”

Chewie drew Lando into an embrace that Poe was surprised wasn’t somehow rib-crushing. Lando laughed even as Chewie drew away. “Easy there, Chewie. I’m not as young as I used to be.”

”You’re too harsh on yourself, Lando,” the man next to them said affectionately. He turned to General Organa. “I’m Aaron, by the way. Aaron Calrissian.”

”You never told me you got married, Lando,” General Organa said lightly.

Lando laughed. “It was better then than never.” He sighed. “So, this is our ragtag group of rebels. You guys look terrible; you better come inside.”

Even as they entered, Poe couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Lando and Aaron...this was the sort of life that Ben and he could have had if not for what happened at the Temple. He absently fiddled with the ring hanging around his neck on a chain. This could have been Ben’s ring as well.

It was inside Cloud City that they reunited with Jess, Snap, Kare and the other members of Black Squadron. Even amidst the hugs, Poe couldn’t help but notice that there were some people missing — Paige, for example (and that had been his fault), Tallie (that had been Kylo’s) and more. Plenty more, including those who hadn’t made it on the journey to Crait.

Poe didn’t cry. He wanted to, but he didn’t. He was good at keeping his cool, most of the time. He’d lose it in private.

Aaron was the one who showed them to their rooms while General Organa and Lando spoke in private. Poe was grateful that he had his own room, and once he was there...

Aaron smiled, a smile that was almost reminiscent of his husband’s warmth. “Ring the bell if you need anything.”

Poe forced a smile. “No problem.”

Aaron left. BB-8 wheeled up next to Poe as Poe flopped on the bed, and Poe patted his dome.

”Y’know, if things had been better, buddy, I think Ben and I could have had a life like this,” Poe said.

BB-8 dwooed softly.

”I know. It just...hurts.” Poe fiddled with the ring hanging around his neck. “Mama’s ring...if there was anyone I would have given it to, it would have been Ben. I guarantee it.” He sighed. If that was what a broken heart felt like, no wonder people sang so many songs about it. Because it hurt. Because it was all too real.

BB-8 butted against his hand gently. Poe patted his dome. “Thank you, buddy,” he said. “Thank you.”

BB-8 beeped softly. 

It wasn’t all, though. “I have to find a way to save Ben,” Poe said. “I don’t know how, but...”

BB-8 beeped in concern.

”I know. But I can’t just leave him. It’d be wrong.” 

A soft dwoo.

”I know. I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Best we can do.” Poe sighed. “We should sleep, buddy. It’s been a long travel.”

An agreeing dwoo, and Poe slept, his dreams still confused and scrambled, dreams of trying to save Ben, and not quite knowing how.

 


	6. Moraband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we learn more about Snoke, later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: So, this Snoke theory re: what happened the night Luke tried to kill Ben is actually something I’m taking for a test drive. Considering Snoke was described as a long range schemer before he was killed off unceremoniously, it’s appropriate.

The problem with perfecting his training was the fact that really, he couldn’t simply go and exterminate the Resistance as he wanted. (Except for Poe. Poe he couldn’t do. Perhaps Rey too, perhaps his mother too, but especially not Poe. He simply couldn’t do it) Even stepping out onto Moraband, Kylo could feel the whipping desert winds, the stinging sands that threatened to get in his eyes, and the overall feeling of hot and cold that threatened to make him feel dizzy from the contrast. There was something about it, he thought, where he swore that he would never really get used to it. 

Whispered voices at his ear. Echoes of memory, those who had set foot on Moraband before. Revan and Malak. Darth Traya. Darth Sion. Darth Sidious. Just to name several, actually. Even setting foot on Moraband, Kylo could not help but wonder, not for the first time, if he could ever compare to those giants. 

Hux was onboard the Finalizer. Later, they would build Kylo’s new ship. Kylo knew that he would come up with a better name than the Supremacy. The Hand of Vader, perhaps? After all, he was his grandfather’s heir, and he would carry out his grandfather’s will to the last. 

No matter what happened. 

It was when he reached the path to the Academy that he felt the darkness of the cave.  The smell was foul and he was grateful for his mask filtering out the worst of it, but there was power in there, answers no doubt. He could feel it. 

He walked past the skeletons that no doubt used to be human assassins, shyrack and more, and it was there that he felt the power practically emanating from the door ahead, a finely structured thing. He opened it, entered...and it was there that he saw it. Yavin IV. Kylo had read that Ludo Kressh’s tomb could create visions and hallucinations based on the occupant’s worst memories, and yet, he wasn’t prepared to see this again. Yavin, where it all began. Yavin, where his mother had abandoned him like garbage. He hated her, in that moment, remembering — even as a part of him remembered that terrible day on the Raddus when she had actually showed him compassion...

Was he that weak? Just a foolish boy starving for any scrap of love from his parents? 

Luke was the one who spoke then. “Hello, Ben.”

He looked so pathetic, Kylo thought. Ragged, filthy, with a graying beard. Was this his uncle’s true form, really? 

“Hello, Skywalker.” Kylo drew his lightsaber. “Come back to haunt me? Or are you just a part of this tomb?”

”Depends on how you want to interpret it. You don’t know your own mind, after all.”

”I know my own mind perfectly well.”

”And yet you struggle,” Luke said contemptuously. “You’ve ever struggled with that ridiculous call to the Light. First it was your father, now it’s the man who could have been your lover. You were always weak, Ben. You were never a true Jedi, never a true Dark Sider, never the man you ought to be. You come from nothing, you’re nothing. You’re an ant under my boot I could crush at any moment.”

”Back when I was Ben. Not anymore.” 

“And yet you’re still afraid.” Rey stepped out of the shadows. “You’ll never be as strong or stronger than Vader. You’re pathetic.” She smirked. “I beat you that day in the snow. Imagine what that was like, bested by a girl who never held a lightsaber.”

It was then that Kylo charged. Rey had her staff, but even that split in two under Kylo’s rage. He stabbed at her, slashed at her, his teeth gritted even as he moved like a villain in a slasher holo. She looked up at him, as shocked and impressed as he had been that day in the snow. He stabbed her until he realized that he was stabbing at air. 

“Pathetic,” Luke said. “Just a little boy throwing a tantrum. I should have killed you that day. I only hesitated because I was held back by shame and duty. If Leia had agreed to it, I would have gladly killed you.”

It was Leia’s turn to skunk out of the shadows. Then, “You know what you have to do, Luke. I should have thrown him out the medcenter window the day he was born.”

They fought. It was less one-sided than the “battle” with Rey, but even then, it seemed that Kylo’s rage was taking over. They threw Force powers back and forth, slashes of lightsabers (and Kylo swore that Luke’s invisible lightsaber was all but carved into his flesh), and finally, with a scream through the Force, the visions were gone...

His body stung. The places where Luke had carved him with a lightsaber stung. He could feel, most of all, the bottomless anger that seemed to course through him like a rampaging river. He hated his mother, hated Rey, hated Luke most of all. Hatred was coming too easy to him, and he needed more of it.

He stumbled through the cave, pounding against his side. He was reminded once more of the snow fight, and how he had kept himself together when by all rights, he ought to have been falling apart. He should have died. Instead, he lived. 

The rest of the hallway was lined with shyrack, and it was cutting them down, feeling his body sting with the cuts, that Kylo felt blood trickle down where he’d been cut, and it fueled him more. Every injury really did serve to make him angrier, and anger could make a powerful anesthetic. 

He reached the next room, and he was half-expecting to see another vision, but instead he saw a holocron. Even picking it up, he watched as it unfolded and Snoke’s image came up. 

“Hello, apprentice,” Snoke rumbled. “If you’re watching this, then you’ve no doubt killed me.”

Kylo could have dropped the holocron in shock. So Snoke knew. Knew that he was going to die. 

Snoke continued. “You think that now that I am dead I have nothing left to teach you. You are wrong. Your uncle...you never knew more about that night, did you? It was so easy to plant false visions in his head when he probed your mind. You think that he just randomly decided to kill you? I have plans within plans, child, and even some plans within those.”

Kylo stumbled back. So Snoke, the man who had saved him that night when he thought that he’d been buried alive...he’d been using him all along. 

“Yes, apprentice. The moment you were conceived, I used you. I used you so that you could show how even someone as pure and good as Luke Skywalker was nothing more than a cold hearted beast. I used you to try and make him fall — surely you saw Darkness in him during your training with him. I used you to destroy the Skywalker line. I used you to show how vital it was to sacrifice those you loved for power. I used you because of your power, the unique blend of Light and Dark in you...before you failed me on the Starkiller planet.”

It couldn’t be. It simply couldn’t. His whole life, he had never stood a chance. It explained so much, the feelings of self-hate and not belonging. 

Snoke smiled, baring his teeth like a firaxan shark. “But even that may yet be your redemption. Would you kill the one you’re bonded to, or kill me? And from there, will you finally learn everything I’ve taught you, about the greater nature’s of both sides of the Force? You know who I am. You only hid it away.” A beat. “The memory can be remarkable at hiding what it wants to hide.”

Kylo could remember his nightmares. Among them, a strange carving of a figure in gold robes inside a circle. 

“The First Jedi, and the First Dark Sider,” Snoke said. “Some would call me mad. I would call myself enlightened. Are you ready for the next lesson? Your lesson lies in the tomb of Ludo Kressh. From there...you’ll learn what you’ve known all along. Let the test begin.”

Snoke’s image vanished, and Kylo was left numb. It couldn’t be. He wanted, desperately, to slash up the tomb wall. Instead, he felt like his limbs had been shackled in place. It couldn’t be, and yet...it was. He had been a pawn. Skywalker had been a pawn. Because of Snoke, he had never had a chance to be happy. 

And even as he left the room, taking the holocron with him (it was something someone would need to see, sooner or later), pocketing it...he hated the former Supreme Leader Snoke with all his heart. 


	7. Still Holding On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo encounters more ghosts from his past — and the present and future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Continuing through the tomb of Ludo Kressh, the hallways were dark and extensive, almost claustrophobic in feeling. Kylo couldn’t help but feel like he was being squeezed in. And it was all so very cold. He was used to the Dark Side being hot, but this...

The door up ahead had something behind there. Another vision, without a doubt. Unfortunately, the only way out of the tomb was forward. He opened the door, and there was Poe. 

More than that, there was Poe’s house. Just as Kylo remembered it. Poe looked at him, clearly wide-eyed, confused. 

“Ben?” he said. “Did you kill them? Those people in the first room?”

Of course the tomb would be aware of that. Kylo spoke, trying to keep down the feelings of unease that came with the name “Ben”. “I did what I had to,” he said. “No more, no less.”

You couldn’t kill visions. You could slow them down for a while, but you couldn’t kill something that was half the Force, half your own mind. 

“What you had to. I guess that was your justification for everything else too, wasn’t it?” Poe said. 

Silence. The truth was that Kylo’s reasons were as diverse as anything else. Some he had killed because it was righteous, justified (like Tuanul. If they weren’t with the First Order, they were the enemy), some he killed because he had to, some he killed because he hated them. “One of them,” he said. 

“I don’t understand why,” Poe said. “You were such a good person, Ben.”

”I wasn’t.”

”You were.” Poe was quiet for a while. “I love you, Ben. I always have. With all my heart.”

Damn this tomb; it knew exactly what buttons to press. "Don’t.”

”Come home, Ben. I miss you.”

”You’re still holding on. Let go.” He wasn’t frustrated like he was with Rey. Only feeling like he’d been punched in the chest. 

“Come home. We could be happy. I could love you, Ben Solo,” Poe said, softly. “If you gave me the chance.”

”It’s too late.” Kylo said, and his voice cracked. 

“I hoped...” 

It was then that a Force vision of Chewbacca appeared, roaring in fury. Shot at Kylo — and Kylo could feel the old wound where the Wookiee had shot him twinge from the pain. Kylo snarled in fury before igniting his lightsaber. “Of course,” he said. “You’re just visions. Of course you’d find a way to trick me...”

”Ben...” Poe said, softly. 

The vision-Chewie shot at Kylo again, only for vision-Poe to block him. The bowcaster bolt hit vision Poe in the chest, and he vanished, leaving Kylo reaching out with empty fingers and finding nothing. He hurled his lightsaber at Chewie, and the Wookiee vanished. 

Kylo was left with nothing but himself and his lightsaber. Poe had been so close, yet so far. Smoke between his fingers. He shook, and already he wanted to cut up the walls of Kressh’s tomb. He indulged himself, leaving slashes in the marble, gashes that smoked. 

There was a sloping path in Kressh’s tomb that led to the next room. Kylo took a deep breath and headed towards the door to the room. 

He opened it, and behind there was himself, his unmasked self, only his brown eyes had turned gold. Gold as Tatooine’s twin suns, and his skin was pale and veiny. 

His final destiny, no doubt. His final destination. Dark Sider. It was a price he was willing to pay to not be weak again. Conflicted. 

“You’re me,” he said, bluntly. 

“I’m stronger than you.” the vision-Kylo said. “I’m your ultimate destiny. What you could be. Stronger, faster, quicker. All without Snoke using you as a puppet.” He drew his lightsaber, still in the same cross shape, but less unstable. “Ready to learn?”

Kylo drew his lightsaber. They fought, and the vision was fast, strong, quick, almost like Rey, managing to get out of the way just in time. It didn’t mean that Kylo didn’t ultimately win, though, stabbing the vision through the heart. 

He could have sworn the vision looked impressed before fading away.

Breathing heavily, Kylo looked through the tomb. There was a way out, surely. He was swaying, and he punched the side where vision Chewie had shot him if only to keep himself from falling over. 

The pain was a good stabilizer, he’d say that. 

He’d show them. He’d show them that this time, he wasn’t weak. He never was. They could mock him all they pleased, but he simply wasn’t weak. He never had been. He couldn’t be. 

Stars, why was that so hard to believe? 

***

The Academy on Moraband was empty. Kylo walked through it, half-expecting a trap, but reaching through the Force, he found nothing. It was ridiculous anyway; the Resistance, no doubt, had no clue where he was. And even if the Force Bond with Rey were to miraculously revive, she couldn’t see his surroundings. He could look around the Academy, which was empty save for scattered skeletons of beings deceased long ago. Death and decay were in this Academy, filling it, saturating it. And, as he investigated the rooms, holocrons. One of them being Darth Sion’s holocron. A Sith Lord who could revive himself from the brink of death with nothing but his own rage. Kylo, stars willing, could use that. 

He activated the holocron, and a truly impressive hologram of the long-deceased Sith Lord appeared.

”Did you come here for answers?” the Sith Lord rumbled. “Of course you have. I am Darth Sion of Korriban, and this...this is yet a record of my teachings on the nature of the Dark Side. The Force is your master, your teacher. The Force is pain, the Force is focus. It culls the strong and kills the weak, as is meant for it to do. The strong survive here, even as the Force tears blades through their flesh.” A beat. “Anger and hate are the foundations of our Order. It is how the strong survive. The Force is another foundation — a blade, a master, a teacher. Without it, we are broken shells of what we were.”

Kylo listened. And when Sion laid out his instructions to draw on every bit of anger and humiliation and hate — Kylo did it. 

He drew on Poe — losing him. 

He drew on the scavenger, and her humiliations of him. 

He drew on Snoke’s manipulations and cruelties. 

He drew on his parents’ rejections. 

He drew on everything he could — and the phantom blaster bolt was nothing more than an annoyance. 

He was learning. And that...that was something. 

***

It was getting back to the Finalizer that they were headed to Milara, Snoke’s homeworld; they would find allies there. Allies who wouldn’t have to know about Snoke’s death and the true nature of it. And a way to build Kylo’s flagship — nothing grandiose, but impressive enough to strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. Not to mention finding out more answers — the nature of the bond Snoke had inflicted on him and Rey. Who was Snoke, and what was his endgame. Kylo needed more answers, more than ever. And maybe...maybe he would find what he was looking for. More certainty. An end to his conflict. 

Yes, he could use that. 

And yet he couldn’t help but think back to Ludo Kressh’s tomb. Seeing Poe’s vision vanish. He couldn’t bear to lose Poe. Perhaps he could find a way to win Poe over. Explain everything. And from there...from there he could do this. 


	8. Milara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see Snoke’s homeworld for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: I added an additional Knight of Ren name just because I know the names of the first five (and Kylo, obviously) but not the sixth. And I know there are six Knights of Ren.

The hyperspace ride to Milara was a long one, Kylo was not going to deny. During this time, he practiced, meditated (and he found that it was starting to get therapeutic. Something about it, truly, was enough to stir up his worst memories and use them as moments of strength, and not weakness. Just for a change), trained himself just to make sure that he was never, ever weak again. Weakness could not be acceptable. Weakness couldn’t...

He trained until they reached Milara. And from there, he could disembark, set foot on Milara. It was a planet that was still recovering from a war long ago. Snoke had fought in that war, or so Snoke had told Kylo. Kylo had no idea how much of the truth Snoke was really telling. 

It was on the grounds of Milara that the other six Knights of Ren greeted Kylo. They had their titles — the Heavy, the Armory, the Rogue, the Sniper, the Monk, the Shield. Kylo was the Master, the Jedi Killer. 

The Monk was the first one who stepped forward, kneeling in the customary position that the Knights used when addressing those higher in authority. “Master,” he said. “Supreme Leader.”

”You may rise,” Kylo said. They had come this far together. Comrades splashed in blood. He wouldn’t have to be a Master to them. 

The Monk — or Laeth Ren, as he was also known, Devan as he was less well-known — rose. “You have come so far, Master,” he said. “You have grown in power, all without the training of that wretch Snoke.” He practically spat the name. 

“I have, have I?” Kylo couldn’t help but wonder. “I suppose I have.”

The Rogue — or Alia Ren — nodded. “You think we couldn’t feel what Snoke was doing to you?” she said. “If we could have intervened, we would have. I’m sorry, Master. We’re all sorry.”

Kylo merely nodded. They had no need to apologize. “You can serve with me now,” he said. “As my protectors. Snoke had his Praetorian Guards. I would be honored if you served alongside me as equals.”

”It would honor us, Master.” said the Monk. “Truly.”

They met with the Milaran ruler, who had worked for Snoke in the past, and Kylo couldn’t help but feel like he was already being surveyed by the woman, questioned. She must have sensed something wasn’t right about his side of the story, as it were. Lying was not something Kylo normally did, but saying to Hux explicitly that he had murdered Snoke and fought his Praetorian Guards with Rey wasn’t exactly the smartest move. Sometimes you had to be strategic. Even lying to Poe about what had really happened at the Temple that night, what he had done...it was to protect Poe. Yes. To protect him. To keep him safe. And besides, would Poe still love him after finding out what he did — assuming he loved him at all?

It was all better off for Poe if he never knew. 

Nonetheless, the Milaran ruler agreed to supply parts for Kylo’s ship. Of course, First Order officers were going to build it. Kylo already had an idea as to what it would look like, the throne room painted black, the Star Destroyer like a massive predator against the sky...

And the name. Yes, he would need a name. 

The Hand of Vader, perhaps? It would be appropriate. The First Order would need to recuperate for at least months, but when they came back...

When they returned, no power in the galaxy would be able to stop them. 


	9. The Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo hires two people to go after the Resistance, one a mildly familiar face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Sorry I haven’t updated in some time! Let’s say that other projects (plus a bit of demotivation) got in the way.

Months transitioned into a year. As months transitioned into a year, Kylo Ren built his flagship, the _Son of Darkness_ \-- if Snoke had called him such, then he was going to embrace it. He was nothing but Dark now, he would be truthful. 

As months transitioned into a year, Kylo turned thirty -- and he was aware of how far away he was from childhood now. He could not help but be glad. Let the past die, after all. Kill it if you had to. It was the only way to become what you were meant to be. 

He felt Poe turn thirty-three. They were all getting older, he could not help but reflect. They were all on their way. Good. Let the past die. 

He couldn't see where the Resistance was, but the First Order had their sources, naturally. Which was why, one day, he called upon two people -- one an old source, another a new source -- in order to track the Resistance when they ventured out of their base...wherever it may have been. 

***

"I have a job for you. Both of you."

The bounty hunter known as Vicrum Fett and the First Order spy known as Bazine Netal stood before the Supreme Leader in his throne room. It was nothing like Snoke's throne room -- it was almost austere in nature, the Knights of Ren standing protectively around Kylo in case someone tried anything. 

“Excellent,” Vicrum said. “I haven’t had a true challenge like this in a long time!”

Kylo could not help but feel a smile tug at his lips under the helmet. He continued. “The Resistance is still out there. As long as the Resistance is out there, the galaxy is in disorder. As long as they’re out there practicing their plan to restore corruption to the galaxy — ”

”Aye, I’m not in it for that,” Vicrum said. “You sound a bit like that madman Hux.”

Kylo felt a sudden urge to strangle him. Hux, of all beings? He was nothing like that animal.

Vicrum said. “Both Bazine and I just want to get paid. Whether or not the Resistance are the savage degenerates that the First Order believes...well, we’ll see about that.”

”Fair enough,” Kylo forced himself to say. “The Resistance is worth at least a fortune if you capture them. At least one is a Jedi — and I recommend using every means at your disposal to take her down.”

He showed them every head shot of the main Resistance members he wanted captured, trying not to wince when coming across Rey’s head shot, or his mother’s, or Poe’s. Bazine was the one who spoke up, in her native language. “With due respect, Supreme Leader, what harm could General Organa do?”

”Looks can be deceiving,” Kylo said. “Do not harm them or kill them...but do not hesitate to use whatever means you have at your disposal to bring them in.”

”As you wish, Supreme Leader,” Vicrum said. 

He and Bazine bowed, before leaving.

Kylo sat back on his throne. Bounty hunters were not what he expected he would use; he preferred more of the hands on approach. But Vicrum and Bazine were more than bounty hunters; they were scouts. He would get the answers as to where the Resistance was from them, and from there...from there, he would show them that there was no place to hide.

He couldn’t help but think of Vicrum’s statement. About how he sounded a bit like Hux. An insulting statement. If he was angrier at the Resistance as of late, if he was going after them...true, after Snoke’s death, it had been like the last restraints on him had snapped, but...

Had he gone mad?

If he had, it was earned. And Kylo would hold onto it to the last.


	10. Cantobight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mission to Cantobight ends badly, at least for Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Just had to add in that Firefly reference.

Landing on Cantobight was beautiful, Poe wasn’t going to deny it. If anything, there was something about it that was glittery and radiant and almost resplendent, but he knew that stuff like this often had a not-so-pretty core. Rose and Finn actually, when they landed, volunteered to stay with the ship. “We kind of blew our cover,” Finn said. 

“You didn’t really explain how,” Poe said. 

“Well,” Finn said. “We might have had a high speed fathier chase...after we got arrested for landing on the wrong pad...”

Poe rubbed his temples. “ ‘Kind of’ is an understatement.”

”Maybe a little,” Finn said. “But we’re staying by the ship. If there’s trouble, we’re gonna swoop in.”

Kaydel grinned. “Big damn Resistance heroes,” she said. 

“Ain’t we just,” Poe said. “So we’re gonna need to sneak into the stables...”

***

It was from the bridge of the  _Son of Darkness_ that Kylo stood rigidly. He didn’t breathe heavily like his grandfather would have, but he could feel the anticipation rising in his body. Tension, so tight that it threatened to break, even as he listened for Bazine to give her report. 

It was there that Bazine’s hologram appeared. She wore a slinky red dress, something that reminded Kylo of a typical member of the elite on Cantobight. A decadent city, but he supposed he’d be taking care of it soon enough. Once the Resistance prisoners were off the planet, of course. 

“You found them?” Kylo said. 

“I did,” Bazine said. “Or Vicrum and I did. They’re headed towards the Canto Bight stables. Your further orders, sir?”

”Keep an eye on them. Do nothing else. When the time comes, Bazine, bring them aboard my ship. And...” Kylo paused. “Do leave them intact if it is relatively possible.”

Bazine said nothing. Just a nod. The hologram cut out, and Kylo Ren was alone. It was tempting to want to raze everything in his path to the ground. But they couldn’t blow their cover yet. 

***

”We have to be quick,” Rey said as they continued into the stables. “I think someone’s watching us.”

”Yeah.” Poe grimaced. “I feel it too.”

Maybe it was good old-fashioned paranoia on Poe’s part. It probably was. Something about this mission, sneaking and hiding, wasn’t exactly what Poe would call too easy. Anyone could sound the alarm any minute. Anyone. 

It was deep in the stables that one of the kids, a blond girl with wild hair, was about to pull the alarm before Rose’s voice chimed in. “Poe, what’s going on?”

The girl, clearly shocked, stepped away from the alarm. 

“We’re fine!” Poe said. “Close call.” He turned back to the girl, squatted next to her just like he would with BB-8. “It’s okay. We’re here to rescue you.”

”Rescue me? Us?” the girl said. “That’s great!” Then, “It’s just been so long...”

”It’s okay,” Kaydel said. “We’re getting you out of here. We’ve got a ship out there.”

”A ship?” Two other boys, one with light skin and dark hair, another one with umber brown skin and black hair, emerged. 

Poe grinned. “You bet. But we have to be quick. We’re being tracked — ”

Footsteps. Then, “Someone’s coming,” Poe said. “Get to safety!”

The kids nodded, before hiding in one of the fathier stalls. 

Footsteps sounded, and Poe drew his blaster. Rey drew her lightsaber, and Kaydel also drew her blaster. It was there that Poe heard a voice. A rich, almost sultry female voice. “You can’t hide forever, can you, Resistance soldiers?”

”Oh, we’re not hiding,” Kaydel said. “We’re fighting.”

A chuckle. “Why don’t you come out of the shadows and face me?”

Poe stepped forward, and it was there that he saw the woman. She wore some sort of tight hood, her eyes and lips adorned with dark make-up, and she wore a slinky red dress. She took out her comlink. “Inform the Firsr Order...we have our first prisoner.”

Poe turned towards Rey and Kaydel. Nodded quickly. It was Kaydel who headed towards the stalls; Poe could vaguely hear her telling the kids that they were getting on the fathiers and getting out of here, no matter what. “Just anything,” Kaydel said. “Run away from that woman.”

Even as the kids sprinted off with Kaydel leading the way, Poe turned to look at the woman. “If you think Kylo Ren scares me, you’re wrong,” he said. “I know he’s just a coward hiding behind a mask. Like some scared kid.”

”You’re defiant,” said the woman. “I’m sure he’ll find that amusing.”

"He’s a monster.” Poe knew it wasn’t completely how he felt, but staying defiant was hella therapeutic. 

“To the other side, you and yours are the monsters.” said the woman. 

Poe’s comlink crackled. “Poe,” Kaydel said, “We’ve got the kids to the ship. We’re going to get you.”

”I know.”

The woman smirked, and it was there that she took out a Bothan stunner. Poe drew his blaster, set it on stun, only for the woman to lash out at him with the stunner. Darkness crept over Poe, and everything went black.


	11. Crushed Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A blows-trading session between Poe and Kylo reveals something Kylo’s not ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Bazine was the one who carried Poe, almost bridal style, to the  _Son of Darkness,_ and Kylo couldn’t help but notice that even after a year, he was still beautiful. His features, smooth and almost peaceful in that moment, his dark eyelashes standing out against smooth olive skin. His hair, falling in thick black curls around his face. Bazine set him down in that moment. There was something about it that was almost tender, though Kylo knew that it was because she didn’t want to seriously injure him.

”Well done, Bazine,” Kylo said.

”It was no trouble, Supreme Leader,” Bazine said.

Paying Bazine and Vicrum was no trouble. Snoke had had plenty of his fortune left over, after all, and paying the both of them...it was only the best thing to do. 

“What will you do with him?” Bazine said.

Kylo paused. “He will,” he said, “Be under my watch this time around.” The last time he had left Poe to someone else, Poe had been badly beaten and bloodied by the time that Kylo had arrived. 

Bazine raised an eyebrow. “I see.”

It was later that Hux met with Kylo. “Supreme Leader,” he said, “Surely I could interrogate Poe Dameron? What your sorcery failed to do, perhaps science will.”

”There will be no interrogation of Poe Dameron,” Kylo said.

”Are you mad?” Hux said. “The possibility of finding the Resistance, and you throw it away?”

”Far from it.”

Hux snorted. “You’re incompetent. Truly. You waste a vital opportunity. Come to think of it, between Dameron and the girl, I wonder if you’re simply weak — ”

Kylo’s hand shot up in that moment, constricting, clenching. “Don’t you ever,” he said, “Say that again.”

He let Hux go. He could feel Hux’s hatred for him, but he said nothing. He was used to it by now. He wouldn’t be surprised if Hux was planning a mutiny, naturally; Hux had a delusion that he was somehow destined to rule the galaxy. He never would, though. He simply couldn’t.

Carrying Poe to the prison cell felt strangely intimate, but it wasn’t like he had any other choice. It was as he was doing so that he caught a glimpse of the ring hanging on a chain around Poe’s neck, and felt a stabbing of jealousy. He knew it was Poe’s mother’s ring, but who was it for, he wondered. Anyone at all, perhaps. Anyone but —

He stomped down on the thoughts. There was no room for such things. Poe was his prisoner. And yet...

And yet he wished that it didn’t have to be that way. Even positioning Poe on the prison bed, he couldn’t help but want...more. He wanted, even looking at Poe, to kiss him, but he did nothing. He couldn’t afford to.

He headed outside the cell in that moment, sitting in what he knew was a position of power. And yet...

And yet in that moment, somehow, he felt powerless.

***

It was Poe who stirred. Poe who saw who he knew was Kylo Ren outside his cell, and he knew that the mask, this time, was just for show.

”So you killed Snoke,” Poe said. “I guess...congratulations. Should have seen it coming.”

”I did what was necessary. And it wasn’t for her.” A beat. “I had my reasons.”

”You changed your mask,” Poe said.

”I had to.”

”You don’t need a mask anyway. It’s just for show, isn’t it?” So people would see the symbol, not the man. 

“What business is it of yours?” Kylo said. 

“I want to see the face of...the man who was my friend.”

Silence. Then, slowly, Kylo Ren removed his mask with a click-hiss, and Poe saw his face for the first time in over a decade. He looked like Ben — and yet he didn’t look like Ben. There was obviously the scar that ran down his face, the thin line that almost bisected his face, but there was also the fact that his eyes weren’t the dark, expressive brown that Poe knew. Instead, they were golden. Pure gold, in fact. Looking into them, it was almost like looking into the twin suns of Tatooine themselves. 

Poe couldn’t help but feel like he’d been shot in the gut. 

Kylo Ren — Ben Solo — placed his helmet down on the table next to him, and looked at Poe. “You wanted to see my face,” he said calmly. “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. You know that Ben Solo is dead.”

Poe would be damned if he understood that metaphor. It felt almost like a riddle. Ben Solo was dead...and yet he stood there, in the flesh, yellow eyes and all. 

Kylo continued. “He deserved to die.”

”No...”

”Yes.” Kylo said. “He was nothing, he came from nothing, and so nothing he became.”

Poe bit his lip. “He wasn’t.” A beat. “Ben,” he said, and he swore that Kylo flinched a little. “Do you know why I went out there, to Jakku?”

”You wanted my uncle back.”

”The General did, and I followed orders, but it was more than that. I wanted to find you. I...do you think you could actually get rid of me? Like I was nothing to you?”

Kylo shook his head. “I was trying to protect you. Ben was.”

”Great job,” Poe said sarcastically. 

He could have sworn that Kylo winced again. Good. Maybe he did feel something, in that shell. He continued. “I could forgive you for treating me like nothing — maybe I wasn’t enough for some rich, powerful man from a rich, powerful family. Maybe I was unworthy. But I don’t understand how you could destroy your own family, take innocent lives, including people who wanted to help you, and rape the minds of others. This isn’t the man I...”

He trailed off. What he would give to say the rest of what he needed to say. 

“Destroying my own family? Did the General tell you that lie, because they destroyed themselves. But of course you wouldn’t understand. You actually had parents who loved and cared about you. And speaking of mind rape, as you put it, you never had anyone mentally rape you while you slept while your parents did nothing to help you. You had it _perfect_. While we’re on the subject, you never had an uncle who tried making you wish you were never born.” His voice became more heated as he spoke. “You never had the majority of your life planned out by a megalomaniac. And please, don’t give me that self-righteous drivel of actions having consequences. You had a perfect life. You had a chance. You had people who actually loved you. I never did.” 

He broke off. He looked away. Poe, meanwhile, was already trying to formulate a response. _You think my life was perfect?_ And, _You think I don’t count?_ And, and, and. It seemed that his mind was made up of “ands”. 

“Maybe I didn’t have that,” Poe began. His mind was still already reeling from that one suggestion, that he somehow had a perfect life. True, he hadn’t been mentally raped every night. True, he hadn’t been emotionally abused by his uncle. True, true, true. “But...how can you even say no one loved you? That’s absurd. And...”

"Well?” Kylo said. “Are you out of self-righteous Resistance propaganda?” 

“It’s not about that. It’s...how does that justify you betraying us like this? Your father didn’t hate you. It’s not like he made your uncle hurt you.”

”He didn’t.” Kylo said. He was softer now.

Poe continued. “And what about Tallie? She did nothing to you; she didn’t even know you.”

”She didn’t.”

”Rey was just a kid dragged into this. Finn was dragged into it too, if just in a different way. They weren’t even there to affect you growing up. And then there’s me.” Poe’s voice hardened. “I guess I wasn’t good enough."

Now it was Kylo’s turn to look taken aback. Poe continued. “I didn’t have my mother, and I didn’t have you.”

”You could have anyone you wanted.” 

“I didn’t have you.”

Silence. 

And then Kylo actually got up and left. The way he left for the exit, the way that he actually seemed to walk like he couldn’t wait to get out of there...it hurt Poe like Kylo had reached into his chest, held his heart in his hand, and crushed it. 

***

He could feel Bazine, Vicrum and Hux staring at him as he headed away, walking like he was in a hurry. He could hear them murmuring amongst themselves, he could hear them wondering, what exactly had driven Kylo to that point. Finally, he reached his chambers, where he could sit down, and actually regain his breath. He tried thinking of everything that had hardened his heart over the years. Everything...and yet, Poe’s words rang in his head all too clearly. 

_I didn’t have you._

His hands shook. He could already feel his old wounds starting to twinge. Sion had faced the same problem at the end. When the Jedi Exile, Arawn Sinn, had confronted him. It seemed that he was following in Sion’s footsteps — carefully built up anger and hatred undone by its opposite: love. 

Because Poe...he could see too well into Poe’s mind. He could see that behind those words were a simple meaning that threatened to undo everything that Kylo had worked for, in four words alone. 

_I love you, Ben._


	12. Fortuitous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo’s redemption begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for threat of torture.

There was a period, Poe thought, where even breathing was difficult. Difficult because of the feeling like his heart had been crushed. It wasn’t like it was the first or the second time that Kylo Ren had done this — the interrogation had been one thing. Seeing him on Crait had been another thing. But this...

This really was something else. 

He was afraid, somehow. What could Kylo Ren have to be afraid of, in terms of Poe Dameron saying he didn’t have him? Because that was what it looked like, like Poe had actually scared him. 

What could he possibly have to be scared of? 

Poe forced a breath into his lungs. It was okay. He was okay. And yet he wasn’t. He was crushed all over again, and it hurt breathing. Maybe he ought to go for someone “safer”, who didn’t break his heart so often. Finn, maybe, if Finn wasn’t with Rey. And yet...

The prospect of being without Ben Solo was pure pain. 

He forced air into his lungs. He couldn’t afford to think like this. To be like this. He needed to find a way out of there. 

When General Hux entered his cell, Poe tried to make a break for it. Emphasis on tried. Even scuffling with the General...well, the General was skinny and not particularly tough, but that didn’t stop Bazine from knocking him out. 

***

Kylo was just starting to calm down when he swore that he heard the Force shrieking a warning, earsplitting and urgent. He rose to his feet abruptly. Poe. Poe was in trouble. 

He shouldn’t care. Just like with the scavenger, he shouldn’t have cared, and yet like with the scavenger, he found himself drawn to action. Only what he felt in regards to the scavenger was a feeble flame in comparison to the wildfire that arose in him now. 

He didn’t walk, this time, but ran. He felt his feet all but ghost over the floor in that moment, farther, faster. He moved until he finally found Poe, with Hux standing over him. 

“You humiliated me at D’Qar,” Hux said. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten that...terrorists’ son.”

He drew our a pocket vibroblade. “There are so many things I could do with you,” he said. “Just to punish you for my humiliation. Too many, in fact.”

”You might wanna rethink your technique,” Poe said.

Kylo spoke. “If you come any closer, General, you will be in for a galaxy of pain.”

Hux sneered at him. “You never could. You’re nothing but a weakling.”

It was Kylo who lifted him up into the air with the Force, and Hux’s hands flew to his throat. In that moment, Kylo couldn’t say he was seeing red, but the heat behind his eyes...

Even that moment of his anger boiling up on the Supremacy seemed so insignificant compared to now. 

“Could a weakling do this?” Kylo said. 

He could feel Hux’s air supply struggling against his grip. He could freely kill Hux, but...in the end, he was still useful. 

He lowered Hux to the ground and glared at him. “Could a weakling do that to you?”

Hux rubbed his throat, glared at Kylo. “You know,” he said, drawing a dagger, “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.”

The dagger practically gleamed in the light, and Kylo couldn’t say he could remotely pretend to see this coming. He saw Poe stumble to his feet, even as Hux charged towards him. Kylo caught Hux by the wrists even as they wrestled over the dagger, like a bizarre sort of duel. 

In the background, he could swear that he heard the sounds of a scuffle between Vicrum and Poe, possibly fighting over one of Vicrum’s weapons. He concentrated on wrestling the dagger out of Hux’s hands, but what Hux lacked in strength he made up for in determination. He pressed closer, and closer to Kylo’s throat...

A blaster shot rang out. Hux fell to the ground, clearly shocked, the frozen surprise never dying from his face. Kylo turned around, only to see Poe, standing over an unconscious and blaster-whipped Vicrum, holding the blaster. Kylo couldn’t help but feel a sort of amazement; Poe doing this, all pf this, for him? He didn’t deserve this much. He truly didn’t. 

He took the dagger from Hux’s body, tossed it to Poe. They still had to deal with Bazine, who was watching. Bazine smiled an almost predatory sort of smile. “How sweet,” she said, sarcastically. “Could it be he actually meant something to you?”

Kylo reached out in that moment and froze her. It was too risky for them to fight her. Bazine was skilled, more than skilled, actually. Fighting her would be, truly, a losing battle.

He turned to look at Poe, suddenly feeling his breathing come in shallow. “He nearly hurt you,” he said. 

“I know,” Poe said. He pocketed the dagger. “And he nearly killed you. If he had — ”

”You’d have every right to celebrate.”

Poe sighed. “Stop that. Stop fighting me.”

”I’m — ”

”Now who doesn’t understand?”

Kylo had to regain his breathing, just to find a way to speak. Then, “It’s still you. All my life I thought I was unworthy. And then there was this...tomb I went into. It had an illusion of you. Saying you could love me. I thought it was a trick of the tomb itself; it definitely knew what buttons to press...”

”Ben...I’m here.” Poe said. “I’m as real as you are now.”

He raised a hand to Kylo’s face, and Kylo could feel its warmth, complete with the small details of Poe’s hand. The slim, almost agile fingers, tracing over the scar that Rey had left. 

Kylo let a smile touch his lips. “I know.”

Silence fell. Then Kylo’s smile faded, remembering what he had yet to explain to Poe. “I found Snoke’s holocron, in that tomb. Now...now I suppose I should tell you everything. You deserve to know, after all I did to you.”

He took out the holocron. It gleamed in the light of the jail cell, almost menacingly. After a while, Poe nodded. “Let’s get this over with...”

The holocron unfolded, and Snoke’s image came up. He saw Poe stiffen, even as Snoke rumbled, “Hello, apprentice. If you’re watching this, then you’ve no doubt killed me...”


	13. Let the Past Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo teams up with the rescue party for Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The holocron was practically one of those long, evil gloating monologues that you saw in holos, only it was different knowing how deeply Snoke had manipulated everything, including the war with the First Order and the Resistance, in a way. And Ben. 

_The moment you were conceived, I used you._

Pure, white hot anger seemed to fill his mind like a sudden flood of light, even as Snoke’s words stuck in his brain like a stuck song. 

_The moment you were conceived, I used you._

_The moment you were conceived..._

_The moment_

_the moment_

_The Moment_

”Poe?” Kylo’s voice stirred him from his thoughts. 

“I just...I’m sorry.” Poe’s voice cracked, and his vision grew hot and wet. “You deserved so much more, Ben.”

He drew Kylo into his arms, and for a moment, their bodies entwining felt nice, like they were meant to fit together. Poe held Kylo long after Snoke’s monologuing ran out. He could tell that Kylo was trying, trying so hard not to cry. All as it sunk in just how badly Snoke had used him. 

“It’s not your fault,” Kylo murmured. “And I shouldn’t have said what I said earlier. You did nothing to hurt me. I’m sorry for everything I ever said and did to you.”

Poe withdrew from him. “I don’t...forgive you forgive you,” he said. “But I still love you, even after all this time. You don’t have to work for that.”

Kylo nodded. “I know.”

***

They had to leave, of course. The Knights were guaranteed to follow the former Supreme Leader; Kylo had spoken with them on their way out, and they had agreed to come with him. Even as they cast away their helmets, they looked disoriented, almost like they hadn’t expected to actually go without them this time around. 

“Strange,” the Rogue said. “I never thought...”

”I know,” Kylo said. “I really do. Come on...we need to get to the escape pods...”

It was in that moment that there were footsteps. Too many of them. Kylo drew his lightsaber, motioned for the others to stay back. And two familiar faces came through the corridor (Rey and FN-2187)— along with two faces that Kylo didn’t recognize — a rather pretty young woman with black hair in a ponytail and smooth olive skin, and a blond woman with her hair in buns. 

Rey was the first one to speak. “I don’t want to hurt you, but if you’ve hurt Poe again — ”

”He hasn’t.” Poe stepped out from behind Kylo. “He stepped in when Hux was trying to hurt me. It’s a long story.”

All four looked amazed — Rey actually seemed to go through a mixture of hurt and amazement all in one. Then, “So Snoke...wasn’t entirely lying.”

”What are you talking about?” FN-2187 said. 

Rey took a deep breath. “Maz said Snoke planted visions in our minds when we touched hands. That’s how Kylo saw who my parents were — or who he thought my parents were.”

”After everything else Snoke did, that’s not implausible,” Kylo said.

FN-2187 sighed. “You’re not making sense.”

Kylo held out the holocron. “I’ll show you when we get out of there. Do you have a ship?”

A nod from Rey. 

“Good. I think this is something that can explain everything, for what it’s worth.”

The _Son of Darkness_ shook. Outside, Kylo realized, there were ships coming out of hyperspace, ready to destroy him even with Poe and the others onboard. 

"Let’s get out of here,” the Rogue said. 

FN-2187 nodded. “Just don’t make any sudden moves.”

They headed towards the hangar, even as the ship shook, even as other soldiers shot at them. Finally, they reached the ship — a ship that Kylo never thought that he would see again. The Millennium Falcon. 

Poe and Rey scrambled towards the cockpit, where they sat there and fired it up. Kylo sat behind them. He wasn’t ready to pilot the ship of the father he had killed. Not yet. And even as Poe and Rey steered the Falcon away from the Son of Darkness as it went down, Kylo doubted he could be prouder of them. 

They were heroes. More than heroes. 

And from there...from there the future was uncertain, but hopefully it would be a better, easier one than the present they had, or the past they had been dealt. 

Let the past die. 

And for the first time, Kylo understood, fully, what that meant. 

 

 


	14. Savior, Downfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not everyone’s happy Kylo came home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Chapter title loosely based on the song “Downfall” by Matchbox 20.

It was en route back to the Resistance Base that FN-2187 said, “So what exactly happened? I admit I’m a bit confused.”

”Same here.” the blond woman with the buns said. “If there’s something about this we missed...”

Slowly, Kylo set the holocron on the table and let it unfold. Snoke’s image appeared there, sneering, menacing, and he spoke the same lines that Kylo was too familiar with hearing now. 

And Snoke spoke the same revelation about his plan that he had spoken to Kylo, to Poe. About how the moment that Kylo had been conceived, he’d used him. About how he had used Luke. Planted false visions in his head. 

“So even Luke...” the blond woman with the buns said.

Kylo nodded. “He was tricked. Lied to. Just to see how far someone could fall.”

Silence. 

“So Snoke arranged everything,” FN-2187 said. “Even what happened to me.”

Kylo nodded. “According to your files, you’re twenty-three. This was going on long before I got involved.” A beat. “For what it’s worth, Hux liked the idea more than I did. I always thought clones would be a better idea.”

”Not exactly better,” FN-2187 said bluntly. 

“Poe killed him,” Kylo said. “For what it’s worth.” At least the Hosnian system was avenged. Thinking about it, remembering his repulsion at the very idea, Hux had deserved it. 

“Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy,” Poe said. 

Kylo couldn’t disagree. 

“So...what happens next?” Kylo said. 

“We’re going back home. To the Resistance Base.” Poe said. 

Kylo sighed. “I doubt my m — the General wants to see me.” 

Poe leaned over and squeezed his hand. “We’re right behind you. Or at least I am.”

The Knights of Ren murmured assent. The woman formerly known as the Rogue spoke. “If the General doesn’t believe us, if she doesn’t believe you or blames you for Snoke basically mentally raping you, she...well, she can go kriff herself.”

”A bit of a vulgar statement,” Kylo said. 

The Rogue snorted. “The moment she let Snoke do this to you, she betrayed you. And I’m going to give her quite the earful when we land. Promise.”

”That’s the General you’re talking about,” the blond woman said. 

“She’s still a bad mother,” said the Rogue. “If she starts in on Kylo, it’s earful time.”

”That’s very kind of you, Alia,” Kylo said. “But I — ”

”If Snoke were doing that to my own son or daughter, I would have killed him,” said the man formerly known as the Monk. “I’m just saying.”

The Rogue nodded. “Same.”

The truth was, Kylo didn’t know how he was going to handle his mother. He could only hope that he was ready, prepared for it, in the end. 

***

 It was seeing her son that was enough to stir up some old wounds. She should have been relieved to see him again. She should have been happy. Instead, she saw the face of Han’s murderer, and she dug in. “I didn’t expect to see you again. Not after all you’ve done.”

”I know.” Ben sounded subdued. 

Leia continued. “Power wasn’t enough for you, in the end?”

”It wasn’t about power.” Ben said. 

“Then what was it about? I tried to save you, and you threw that goodwill back in my face. Like you were trying to punish me.” Leia’s voice shook. “You never should have listened to Snoke. If you had listened to me instead of being so weak-willed to listen to Snoke...”

It was then that one of the Knights spoke. “Shut up, you lying, sanctimonious, abusive, ludicrous scow.”

General Organa turned to look at the woman, Lora Darica, who had formerly been known as the Rogue. “What?” she said, her voice low and quiet. No one had ever, ever spoken to her that way, and everyone else looked tense. 

Lora continued. “I just got back from the Son of Darkness. You could say we had an eventful day. Even moreso considering that Snoke mentally raped and manipulated your son for twenty-nine years, and you say it was his fault. I guess you go to the same school that suggested it was Bastila Shan’s fault that Malak tortured her to the Dark Side. As long as it’s the ‘right’ people you’re blaming. You knew all along that Snoke was doing this, and you didn’t intervene. You didn’t tell your husband, who actually gave a damn about Ben. Who actually loved him. You didn’t tell Lando. You thought that sending him off as punishment for something that was done to him was the right decision.”

”I thought — ”

Lora continued. “What did you think? That it was Ben’s fault? Ben didn’t ask to get mentally raped. Nobody does. But I guess you come from the school that suggests that you have to be purer-than-thou, and lack compassion even for a child. And that’s not even getting into how Luke got tricked...”

Lora broke off her rant, turned towards Kylo. There was a quiet sort of understanding between them, even a sort of trust. Then Lora spoke. “Why don’t you look at this? Because your purer-than-thou brother wasn’t a perfect angel from Iego either, even though he clearly wanted to be.” A beat, long after she handed the holocron to Leia. “And if you want to imprison Kylo, imprison me too. Fair’s fair.”

Leia nodded. Already, she was furious at Lora, so angry at her. How could she say half those things? 

Poe spoke up. “You’ll have to imprison me too. Do you really want to do that, General?”

Leia paused. Now...now it seemed that she was faced with a choice. Could she imprison Poe? Would she have no choice but to do so? 

For safety reasons then. Until she found out what happened. Poe could have been brainwashed, for all she knew. Brainwashed to the side of the First Order. 

Yes. She could do that. 

***

”Well, that wasn’t exactly a happy family reunion,” Kylo said wryly. 

Even as they sat in separate prison cells, Kylo doubted that he had felt more, for lack of a better metaphor, cleaned out. 

“That’s one way to put it,” Poe said. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

Kylo reached for him, and their fingers touched through the bars. It hadn’t been like he and Rey, where the hand-touching was half-curiosity and half-loneliness; it was more a sense of belonging now, searching for comfort. 

Belonging. That was something Kylo hadn’t felt in a long time. Except with his Knights.

“It’s not your fault.” Kylo said. “Nothing about this was your fault.”

Poe smiled faintly. “I really did miss you, Ben.”

And somehow, with Poe calling him that, Kylo Ren found that he didn’t mind at all. 

They remained in silence for a moment, and Kylo finally spoke. “If we can’t stay with the Resistance...”

”To be honest, I don’t know if I can agree with the General anymore. I mean, I could deal with her slapping and humiliating me on the bridge —”

”She shouldn’t have done that.”

Poe continued. “And I could deal with her tasing me unconscious. But not...everything else.”

”I’m sorry, Poe.”

Kylo couldn’t reach further through the bars. He could only hope that this would be comfort, at least for now. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” Poe said. “What Snoke did to you. You caused some pain yourself, but you’re not responsible for Snoke mentally raping you.”

”No.” Kylo said it hesitantly, and it trembled a little. 

“Exactly,” Poe said. 

“He did so much to me. After I failed with Rey on the Starkiller planet...he shocked me with lightning. And it’s not the worst he did. Early on, I took it because at least I was keeping you safe. My Poe. So I could cope with the fact that my mind and body were being tortured. The idea that you were safe...at least until Tuanul.”

”You didn’t deserve that,” Poe said softly. 

“I don’t know how well I can...be good. Walk the path of the Light, or even the gray.”

”Then let me help you. Let us help you. You don’t have to be ashamed or afraid anymore, sweetheart. Not with us.”

Kylo didn’t mind at all. And he couldn’t say he minded the name “sweetheart” either. 

“I was wondering about the ring,” Kylo said. “Your mother’s. Why you were wearing it.”

”I thought about giving it to you. One day, of course.”

Kylo could swear it was like his heart had exploded with light. The idea of spending the rest of his life with Poe...of course, there was a lot they had to rebuild, but this...this was perfect. 

“Of course,” he said. “One day.”

Poe beamed, and in that moment, Kylo could have sworn that his smile just lit up the cell.


	15. Jail Cell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leia comes across Snoke’s holocron, and Kylo starts giving answers on Poe’s torture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was in the privacy of the room she had met Poe and the others in that General Organa looked over the holocron. This...whatever they’d found, this was supposed to explain everything? This was supposed to explain how Luke —

No. It couldn’t be Luke. It was her son. A weak-willed, pathetic thing. He wasn’t strong enough. He’d gutted his father like a dog on a catwalk, simply because he could. He’d shot at her on the Raddus. He’d pursued them on Crait. There was no Light in him. She thought she’d sensed Light in him after Hosnia, when she’d felt his repulsion at the destruction of the system, but she had been wrong. All wrong. He couldn’t have turned back all thanks to Poe. He gutted his father like a dog. He —

She took a deep breath. She might as well look inside the holocron and see what exactly ridiculous excuse her son (the son who never should have been born) had made up. 

She didn’t expect Snoke’s face to appear. She didn’t expect chills, chills like the vacuum of space, to creep up her spine as Snoke explained almost everything...

So Luke had been lied to. Mentally violated. So he’d tried to kill Ben. It couldn’t be — and yet it explained how sketchy, for lack of a better word, Luke looked the morning after. He had been mourning, yes, but there was something else there too...

And she had sent him there. Sent him there to train him, she’d told herself. The truth was that part of it was looking at Ben and being unable to see anyone but his grandfather. The man who had tortured her. He was just a dark-haired version of his grandfather, and so that he became. 

She’d sent him away. And now...now there they were. 

She gently placed the holocron down. It was necessary legal evidence, in the end. Painful, but necessary. 

Yes. That was it. 

***

It was Jess, Rose and Kaydel who visited them in their prison cells first, and Kylo could not help but be grateful. Jess gave Kylo a wide berth, but they were coming down here if only because they were angry at how the whole thing had gone down, and Kylo was grateful enough. 

“It’s not fair,” Jess said. “I mean...you should be considered a kriffing hero, Poe. Not locked up.”

”She thought that I was somehow brainwashed,” Poe said. “According to her explanation.” He sighed. “Maybe I can understand that from her perspective, a little, but...”

”Bantha crap,” Jess said. “I know you. I mean, this whole Kylo Ren stuff is weird, but I know you. You’re nothing but loyal. She has no idea what she’s doing, locking you up like that. You did nothing wrong.”

”I’m just tired. Of all the politics.”

Jess sighed. “Same. I thought General Organa knew what she was doing. I thought she had a plan.” She paused. “Kaydel, Rose and I brought food.”

Three trays of it, actually. Kylo took it tentatively. Even as Poe dug in, he noticed Kylo being tentative with the food, almost like he was afraid that it was poisoned or something. What could he, of all beings, have to be worried about? 

Kaydel spoke up. “You don’t have to worry about poisoning, Kylo. Being executed, maybe.”

”Hopefully not,” Poe said. 

Kylo nibbled at a berry, looking for all intents and purposes like he still didn’t know who was friend or foe. 

“So...why?” Jess said. “To be more specific, why Poe? You thought the galaxy of him, Kylo.”

Kylo took a deep breath. Then, “It wasn’t something I wanted to do.”

”You could have said no, though.” Jess said. 

“I know that now. But back when I was Snoke’s...enforcer, I didn’t have that luxury.” Kylo took a deep breath. “It was Snoke who suggested that I use my natural telepathic and empathic abilities as weapons of interrogation. He himself was very skilled with probing minds, as he did to me for...twenty-nine years, I believe.”

Jess was the one who spoke. “How old are you now?”

”Thirty.”

Jess blinked. “That can’t be right. That would mean you were a baby when he started doing this!”

”I was,” Kylo said, flatly. 

Poe squeezed his hand. Already, he hoped that Snoke’s death had been slow and painful for everything he had done. 

Jess swore. Then, “So...he was good at this. I think I need a puke bucket.”

”Go ahead.” Kylo said. “I won’t look at you.”

Rose and Kaydel came back long after they’d gotten a puke bucket for Jess, and Rose spoke. “So all this...”

”Yes. I might as well start from the beginning,” Kylo said. “A good place to start as any.”


	16. Who Will Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We flash back to Kylo’s first interrogation, as well as what happened before his interrogation of Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Warning for torture here.

_It was entering the room that he saw the woman. Blond, dangling in the air like some invisible force held her there, her blond hair falling around her face like she was drifting underwater. Kylo approached her, cautiously; he was now twenty, but it didn’t mean that there weren’t things he didn’t want to do._

_“Supreme Leader,” he said. “Who is she?”_

_“An enemy,” Snoke said calmly._

_An enemy. That was what the Supreme Leader was saying, but the woman in question seemed outright frightened. Frightened, like she wasn’t supposed to be here._

_“Release...” she began, only for her hands to stray towards her throat. Like she was being choked somehow._

_“Do we need to do this?” Kylo said._

_“Of course we do. They carry vital information for the First Order.”_

_Kylo nodded. “But I never — ”_

_Kylo felt as if he was being pulled towards Snoke, even as he tried to resist it as best he could. He couldn’t pause it, couldn’t stop it. And he couldn’t help but be afraid._

_“You’re going to carry out this task to the end, apprentice. No questions.”_

_The way that Snoke looked in that moment...he looked angry. Truly angry. His teeth bared, his eyes flashing. Kylo couldn’t see the woman, but he could hear her voice. Her thin, tenuous plea for help. “Please...”_

_Kylo moved to speak, only for his throat to feel like it was constricting. Even trying to pry the invisible chokehold off his throat, he found that he hated Snoke, hated everything about him. His throat was constricting, and he could barely breathe. He was all but drowning, drowning on dry land._

_“I can’t — ”_

_”Do it?” Snoke said. “I should have known. I could replace you at any time with a worthier apprentice.”_

_”Please don’t...” Even the thought of abandonment, somehow, was unbearable. He could do anything, just about anything, just to make sure that Snoke didn’t leave him._

_Just to make sure that Snoke didn’t leave him out in the cold._

_The feeling of drowning let up for the moment, replaced with the feeling of everything, including his insides, being aflame. In that moment, he hated everyone who wasn’t going through all of this. Wanted to make them hurt as much as he was hurting. Even the girl. He wanted to make her suffer, Snoke suffer, anyone suffer, truly, just to make the pain stop._

_Kylo spoke. It took effort, but he spoke. It was even and level, all things considered. “I’ll do it.”_  

***

“So you...did that,” Poe said. He didn’t sound surprised. It sounded, if anything, like it was something that he already knew, just with more details.

”I did,” Kylo said. “After what I did, I actually threw up. I couldn’t take it. Snoke said that I did the right thing. Now...now I’m not so sure. If I had resisted, if I hadn’t given in...that girl would have been all right.” A beat. “You’re repulsed by me.”

“I...” Poe actually seemed to be at a loss for words, at a loss for any sort of reaction. Then, “Stars...”

”I know. I...I was weak. I wasn’t strong enough. A real hero would have just taken the pain; they wouldn’t have gone on to...to...”

Kylo forced himself to look away. He couldn’t bear it. The idea of crying in front of the others. He had trusted his father enough to cry in front of him, but...

”I’m sorry, Ben,” Poe finally said. “If I knew...”

Their fingers touched through the bars. Kylo shook, and he couldn’t say that he had been touched in a while like this. 

“And what happened to me...did Snoke — ”

Kylo sighed. “It’s best I explain it.”

***

_“Well?” the hologram of Snoke rumbled. “Is Poe Dameron on the Finalizer?”_

_“Yes.” Kylo Ren was in his quarters, sitting in the chair facing the Supreme Leader’s hologram. The hologram seemed to loom over him, almost dwarf him, and he could not help but be afraid. “Supreme Leader,” he said, hesitantly, softly, “What must I do to him?”_

_”What you have done to everyone who ever got in our way,” Snoke said. “Plain and simple. You had no problem doing this before.”_

_Snoke was wrong — or plain and simply lying. Kylo Ren had simply become more hardened to the idea of doing these interrogations — but he had had a problem with the first times he had done it. Over time, he had become a hardened shell of the man he was, but now..._

_”Supreme Leader, surely there is another way to get the information?”_

_”There is no other way." Snoke paused. “Interesting. You have doubts?”_

_”No...”_

_Snoke’s probe was rough in his mind, piercing, drilling, penetrating. For all he tried to throw up his shields to protect his mind, it was like throwing up an umbrella in a hurricane, paper barriers to a tsunami. Snoke tore his memories apart, Ben Solo’s innocent fantasies of Poe falling like dead things._

_“Please, stars, don’t. Not like this.”_

_”Stop struggling, young Solo. You...ah, interesting. You love him. Even after a decade.” Snoke sneered as he spoke. “Or perhaps you desire him. Surely there are other Resistance or First Order pilots you could satisfy yourself with, unless the breaking is part of the challenge. The lusts of the flesh are hard to resist, or so I’ve been told.”_

_Kylo couldn’t argue. Already, he felt disgusting, dirty, sick. Everything Snoke was implying he was._

_Snoke continued. “Skywalker lives, fool. The seed of the Jedi Order lives. The ancient, outdated ways of the Order live, and while it does, hope lives for our enemies. And you threaten to destroy everything that the First Order stands for...”_

_”I would...never...”_

_”Then why do you refuse me?”_

_”I want him...safe...”_

_”He’s Resistance vermin,” Snoke said. “He deserves nothing less than pain. Besides, he’s forgotten all about you. He’d never love someone like you, not while he’s busy trying to win your mother’s affections.”_

_He couldn’t have forgotten all about him. He simply couldn’t have._

_Snoke continued. “What would he see in such a lowly, disgusting creature as you? Nothing.”_

_The Supreme Leader was right. Right about everything. And yet..._

_”I can’t hurt him.”_

_Lightning blasted out of the hologram, seeming almost like the hologram had exploded. Hot lightning, surging through Kylo’s body, flowing through him and making him feel like his nerves were good as on fire._

_“Would you?” Snoke said. “Which one would you choose, apprentice, destroying the object of your desire, or letting Hux do it?”_

_It was too much. The lightning. The sensations, things like the torture droid, Hux’s men beating Poe. They mingled together like a cacophonous chorus of pain. He couldn’t break Poe. He couldn’t leave him to Hux. And the pain flowing through his body..._

_Kylo opened his mouth. “I’ll...” No, he had to resist. He couldn’t afford to be weak._

_Snoke drew off him. Kylo almost wanted to cry, it hurt so much. Then, “Just don’t hurt him anymore.”_

***

Kylo, back in the present, shook. For a moment, he didn’t know where he was, only the memories of the room that he was in, only the pain that flowed through him. He could remember too clearly —

His hands tangled in his hair, all but pulling at it, and he could vaguely hear Poe’s voice, at the corner of his consciousness, telling him that it was all right, that he needed to breathe. 

“Don’t — my fault — weak — so stupid and weak — ”

”Ben, stop that. You are not weak.”

”I’m not...strong...”

”You came home.” Poe said softly. “When it really mattered, you came home to me. To all of us.”

Slowly, Kylo let his hands fall from his hair. He felt Poe’s fingers resting over his. And something about the touch calmed him, grounded him. He looked up, seeing the others looking at him — clearly worried and stunned. They clearly hadn’t expected Kylo to act like this. 

He took a deep breath. “I’m all right.”

Kaydel nodded. “You don’t have to tell anyone else about this if you don’t want to. Really.”

Kylo nodded. 

There was silence. Then, footsteps. Footsteps that started off as quiet at first before getting louder, closer. It was there that Leia Organa stood before them, and Kylo felt Poe’s fingers touch his again. 

He could only hope he could actually stand up to his mother, no matter what. 


End file.
